Oh wow this turned into somthing way longer than I intended it to be, but it was fun to write and I don’t have any patience left for editing, so whatevs. Enjoy !
« This…
This is outrageous ! »
By all accounts, it
should have been a nice day. The weather was pleasant, the grass was
green and smelled of springtime, children were playing, cotton
candies were swaying around, and yet.
Aziraphale was
positively fuming.
Let’s rewind. Let’s rewind for
nearly a year prior.
Armageddon had been adverted, which
was, according to most people on Earth, quite a good news. Now, if
you had asked around in Heaven or Hell, you would have gotten
a different answer, but we’ll stick to Earth and the material realm
for now.
Actually, we will not even be leaving
Tadfield.
So. Here we were. No Armageddon, more of the
world for humanity
to enjoy or destroy, yay !
Aziraphale and Crowley,
as the antichrist’s self proclaimed godfathers, had stayed in touch
with Adam. And with Adam’s
parents because you cannot barge uninvited into a child’s life just
like that. And with the Them who never left Adam’s side. And
with Anathema and Newton, who hadn’t left Tadfield either and had
themselves come to grow
quite fond of the Them.
The
two supernatural entities
thought they were in for an
awkward relationship with an eleven years old, but instead they
gained a whole lot of new friends
to hang out with. Like some kind of reverse lottery where you
actually end up with more than what you had bargained for. Or
maybe that’s just what’s supposed to happen when you actually win
the lottery ?
Anyway,
one of these incidentals new
friends was a dog shaped creature that answered to the name of Dog.
Well, answered was a
bit of an overstatement, as Dog clearly obeyed only Adam’s
orders and, occasionnaly,
Pepper’s.
Dog
used to be a Hell Hound. Very little of it remained, and it would
have gone totally unnoticed, if the canine hadn’t been constantly
growling at Aziraphale.
It turns out, angels can be quite
touchy when they are used to being
instantly
on good terms with all of God’s creatures. At least, Aziraphale
was.
The angel could, in a real Disney princess fashion,
sit in a glade, and five minutes later a swarm of forest creatures
would be nesting
around him, on him, on his book and his picnic basket, totally
uninvited, drawn to the angelic aura and the cake bits. Most of the
time, Aziraphale considered it to be an inconvenience more than
anything else.
But he had never thought an animal would
ever hate him.
Very
upset, Aziraphale had decided to befriend Dog as best as he could. He
had read books on dogs behaviour – they always lacked a part about
the taming of former Hell Hounds, but dogs were the closest thing to
Dog in the end. He had given delicious food to Dog and encouraged him
to come closer to him, little by little, bit by bit, until one day,
finally, Aziraphale had been able to pet him.
Then, a few
excruciating long months later, Dog had finally adopted a normal
behaviour with Aziraphale. The angel was very proud. Both of them had
made a lot of efforts to make this relationship work. He almost cried
the first time Dog came to him to ask for belly scratches.
Back
to present day.
There was a fair in Tadfield. It was the
real event of the village, with all kinds of activities for kids and
adults to enjoy and for R.P. Tyler to complain about. A lot of fun
was going to be had.
Aziraphale and Crowley’s latest
visit happened to be just during the fair. And the angel nearly lost
it when he heard that there was going to be the Tadfield Novelty Dog
Show.
Brilliant ! he
thought. This would be the perfect occasion to show and test the bond
he had forged with Dog over the year. He might even win a medal, or a
ribbon, or a bottle of wine, as a reminder of this victory over their
contestants and over Dog’s hellish nature.
Adam didn’t
care for the dog show in the slightest but entrusted Aziraphale with
his pet. Crowley cracked a few jokes, wondering if he should try to
win a Novelty Snake Show himself – his main argument was that he
was, after all, the sexiest snake on Earth and
should be rewarded for it, to
which Aziraphale had asked him to zip it while blushing just
a bit too much.
Everything was fine. Dog himself had been
groomed recently, he was a happy tail-wagging doggy, a perfect
champion ready to snatch any medal or ribbon or wine bottle on his
way.
Aziraphale
was very confident.
Everyone was allowed to enter the
competition. This was a family fair, after all, not the Doggy
Olympics, so they didn’t care much for race, only for hygiene. That
part, Aziraphale had under control. He never dared using his own
powers on Dog, not wanting to reopen his old Hell Hound wound by
confronting
him with an angelic
miracle.
Which meant that Aziraphale had come fully
prepared, with a bag full of tools to take care of Dog, to clean him,
brush him, give him treats, and so on. As an extra precaution, he had
made sure to take the least muddy road to go to the Novelty Show, and
cleaned Dog’s paws with a towel before entering.
Aziraphale
had no problem getting in, Dog behaved the whole time, nothing bad
happened.
Everything
was as perfect as it could ever be.
Except they didn’t
win. Not first place, not second place, not third place, not even the
terrible fourth place where the contestant at least received a
ridiculous consolation ribbon. No. Nothing. Nada. Que dalle.
Hence
the outrage.
« How could they not see »
Aziraphale complained loudly, « how cute and perfect Dog is ?
What is wrong with these judges ? He’s the most perfect
boy ! Aren’t you ? Aren’t you the most perfect boy,
Dog ? Yes you are ! Yes you are ! »
The
angel scratched furiously Dog between his ears, much to his
bliss.
« I
think you were the
problem, angel » smirked Crowley.
« What kind
of nonsense is that now, my dear ? »
« He’s
right, you know » said Adam. « You kept petting Dog and
the judges couldn’t come near him. »
« Yeah »
laughed Pepper, « it was impossible for them to see
how cute and perfect Dog was when you had your hands all over him. »
« And
that chihuahua was pretty cute too » said
Wensleydale, who promptly
added after a dark glare from Aziraphale « b-but Dog is cuter,
of course ! »
That dreadful chihuahua had come
in first. She
had just been Aziraphale’s arch nemesis, and bringing her into the
conversation hadn’t been very smart from Wensleydale. But he liked
chihuahuas.
The angel said nothing, and kept petting Dog.
He burrowed his face into the angel’s leg, asking for more
scratches. He was too damn cute.
« I’ll make you
a ribbon myself, Dog. You deserve it. »
Aziraphale,
Dog and the others carried on enjoying the fair. There would be time
to fulfill that promise later. For now, fun was to be had.
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