I went to this Sicilian pizza joint yesterday and it’s literally so underground and such a big hole in the wall that their parking lot is wrecked, their front door is bolted up, and you have to enter through the kitchen and walk to the front end past all the ovens and down a narrow ass hallway and then all the tables and chairs are fold ups and the ceiling is all saggy and it looks awful but fuck me it’s been there for 70+ years and makes the best damn thin crust pizza in the city and no one hardly knows about it because it looks like an abandoned building
some days im trying really hard to be that pretentious writer from the 1800′s that went four pages without using a period and other days i can only manage to write ‘fuck’ on a torn piece of notecard
Thinking a lot about the time I saw an advert for a movie in Norway that was like “FULL FART,” which means essentially “full speed” and like I KNEW “fart” means “speed” and I’d never found that funny before but I’d also never encountered a romcom movie poster with a couple laughing under the words FULL FART and I was like okay keep it together youre the only American here you have to be mature and not make all English speakers look bad
But then the Austrian dude with us saw it and absolutely lost his mind and I was like oh thank GOD dude it says FULL FART!!!!!!!!!!
aziraphale, following closely behind, painting himself to be a crazy person yelling at a snake in the park: so, what, you’re just not going to answer me, is that it?
y’all, the fucking iron man car from hyundai is fucking incredible and i need to show you guys. this isn’t sponsored (but it would be incredible if it were, hmu @ hyundai). anyway here’s what the KONA Iron Man Edition looks like (brb crying reading STARTING at thirty grand oh GOD i’m broke)
now, let’s begin our virtual tour, shall we? starting off with THE FUCKING KEY FOB HAVING IRON MAN ON IT UGH IT LOOKS SO FUCKING NICE. and i would ABSOLUTELY be an obnoxious asshole if i had this car because i would make certain that every single fucking day everyone knew about my cool car because i’d leave my keys in plain sight so everyone could marvel (AYYYE) at the fact that i am the sort of person who bought the world’s first car themed after a marvel character.
moving on, HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE GODDAMN WHEELS???
y’all see that fucking iron man in the center of them, right??? hello, holy FUCK. catch me parking so that you can always see iron man right side up. THE FLEX YOU GUYS. oh, yeah, my car is so DOPE AS ALL FUCK that it HAS IRON MAN **IN** THE WHEELS. what does your fucking car have? a broken seatbelt and about 45 empty plastic water bottles? nah, get on this car’s level. the wheels have more promise than my entire future. i think i wanna take these wheels on a date, they’re looking so good.
but then look at the fucking front of it, too:
you know, just so that no one forgets how far up marvel’s ass you are, you can drive a car that literally has MARVEL in huge big letters ON THE VERY FRONT OF IT. i see this as an absolute win, i’m whipped, give it to me fucking NOW. let me be marvel’s #1 marketing HOE driving this car around is going to give them billions of ad revenue just because I WILL MAKE SURE BITCHES KNOW ALL ABOUT THE IRON MAN CAR I TRADED MY SOUL FOR. y’all will LEARN.
but oh no, we’re not done. NOT EVEN CLOSE. because how could you be iron man without an AI to assist you? LOOK NO FURTHER THAN YOUR OWN FUCKING DASH but don’t crash please keep looking at the road
like, imagine. you’ve had a shitty day and you start up your new BFF, the KONA Iron Man Edition car from Hyundai, and then you look up and see FUCKING JARVIS. and suddenly, for a brief moment, your sadness is assuaged because you remember how bitchass you are and how bitchass your CAR is. you’re a bad bitch with a tony stark car, ACT LIKE IT. this car will give you the pep talk you need just by fucking EXISTING.
moving on, here are the seats:
i cannot adequately express how fucking CLEAN this looks. all black, but with a slight raised iron man logo in the middle? that slightly-darker-than-the-rest STARK INDUSTRIES LOGO? yes. yes. THE RED LINING IT LOOKS SO GOOD.
but hey, what about the dash? oh, yeah, HAVE SOME ARC REACTOR BACKGROUNDS AND TONY’S HELMET JUST CASUALLY IN THE MIDDLE THERE. OH MY GOD. I AM LOSING ALL OF MY SHIT CURRENTLY BECAUSE JUST LOOKING AT THIS is giving me a surge of serotonin fuck maybe it’s a good idea i DON’T have this car because otherwise i wouldn’t look at the road because this just looks so incredible.
and here’s what the front bumper looks like:
listen. i don’t know what a fascia is but it sounds cool? and look at grille. i’ve always admired the pretentious spelling of the word “grill” on cars. throw a fucking ‘e’ at the end of it, now you’re looking at money, baby! okay, this is really just a way for me to say i have no idea what any of that is but it looks cool and i like it.
MOVING ON. LAST, BUT MOST CERTAINLY *NOT* LEAST, HOW ABOUT THE GEAR SHIFT?
ARC REACTOR SHIFT KNOB? THAT’S THE SEXIEST SENTENCE I HAVE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
OR HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT TONY STARK’S SIGNATURE IS JUST, YOU KNOW, ON YOUR DASHBOARD:
like. like. LIKE. imagine the conversation starters at the numerous parties you’ll surely attend after acquiring this vehicle! “oh, my car is signed by tony stark” like YOU COULD JUST NAME DROP TONY FUCKING STARK AND HAVE IT NOT BE A LIE. omfg.
in conclusion, this car has the biggest BDE i have ever seen.
coworker told me he “hates all mollusks” today. and to each their own obviously but like… theres 100k species of mollusk… you really hate all of them bro? nautiluses and oysters and snails and nudibranches and chitons and thousands of animals youve never even heard of???? what did ammonites even fucking do to you
darkstrangerx
captainthembo
azira-fucking-phale
azira-crow
odin-n-out
fishyfishyfishtimes
mallsharks
thegoodomensdumpster
good-omens-fanart
sosuperawesome
