I was thoroughly exhausted by mass today, but the homily especially wore me out.
Because today’s reading is that same old one I have a very conflicting relationship with, and the take the deacon had on it is the oldest one in the book. That God gives us His peace that ‘never fails and never leaves.’ That even under horrible circumstances, a truly faithful person can rest easy in God’s love for them. All those things that sound harmless and deep when you’re not struggling. But when you are struggling, it says ‘if you do not feel at peace right now, God has not given you peace because you don’t deserve it. If you were truly faithful, you would feel peaceful. If you were truly faithful, knowing God loved you would be enough for you.’
I can’t latch onto John’s gospel as much as I guess others can. John, the youngest apostle, arguably the most idealistic and naive, describing Jesus as a superhero who always knows what’s going to happen, who’s always one step ahead of everyone else, who doesn’t fall and require help to carry the cross. John, who never questioned his place in God’s service and never wondered if God loved him or not, or whether he should even try.
But this is one of the only verses of his gospel that I can cling to. Not ‘peace I give you.’ My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives it do I give it to you.
And then right after He says ‘do not let your hearts be troubled, nor should you be afraid.’ Like it’s a choice. Anxiety and fear are failures of the Christian.
But for one line, there’s a deeper meaning, maybe. For one line, there’s something that says, maybe it doesn’t look like everyone thinks it does. Maybe there’s more to it than we can understand. Maybe there’s a difference between the world’s peace and God’s peace, that says even if you are tormented and exhausted and drained beyond belief, faithless and bitter, that there is a peace that is for you, too.
And yet all you ever hear talked about is the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding, like it’s given out to whoever dispenses a coin in the right slot, and like that magical peace just wipes away the effects of pain and suffering and abuse and neglect. And it erases despair by refusing to acknowledge it’s even there.