Oh gosh, characters and how they connect with each other (or don’t) is such an important part of my writing, so that is such a wonderful thing to hear. Thank you so much! <3
Also: thank you for a fantastic question!
I apologize in advance; I feel like my answer is going to be so specialized as to be almost useless, but I think it’s important to ask yourself three questions whenever you look at a relationship with problematic elements.
- What are the problematic issues involved?
- What is the relationship between the two characters?
- How does the story’s context/larger world influence how those issues are perceived?
Personally, I think there’s a line after which a relationship is not salvageable, no matter how much work the characters are willing to put into it. The damage, sometimes, is just too great. It’s the distinction between “problematic” and “abusive”, which is blurry at the best of times, because problematic can become abusive very easily when you’re writing, if you’re not paying attention – but that’s why it’s so important to identify the issues these characters have to deal with. The line may shift, but it’s always there.
A common issue – if it isn’t the common denominator in most problematic issues – is a power imbalance. There are some that utterly prevent a healthy relationship from forming (master/slave dynamics, extreme age differences/underage, someone’s ability to consent being eroded or destroyed completely, one partner projecting racism/homophobia/sexism/etc onto the other), and I don’t think any amount of connecting the narrative dots will make it happen. The damage goes too deep, and even if the partner(s) causing the harm truly want to improve, they can’t do so while in a relationship with the person they abused.
But for more subtle power imbalances – Fenris/mage Hawke comes to mind, because while a mage Hawke is part of an oppressed class, they’re still human, and have never been a slave – it’s possible for the partner with more privilege/power to recognize that they do, and to listen if/when their partner calls them out on their privileged behavior.
It’s on the character with the privilege/power/social capital/whatever the contextual currency is to ensure their actions don’t erode their partner’s safety and agency – it’s a nuanced evolution we’re looking at, so mistakes will happen. Each character in the relationship has a responsibility to acknowledge where their behavior may be toxic, and to work to change that. But we can explore that growth in fiction, as rough as it may be, and show how each character is working to make their relationship as healthy and supportive as possible.
I really enjoy watching characters – especially in romantic relationships – growing as they learn to be supportive, equal partners in their relationships, but there’s a lot of work to do so that readers will believe in the progress happening on the page. There are legitimate criticisms of Sarah J. Maas’ A Court of Thorns and Roses, but one thing she does excellently is the Feyre/Rhysand relationship. It’s a hot mess for the first book, with power imbalances and manipulations and dishonesty and even outright injury at one point – Rhys puts Feyre in an impossible position, which we (and Feyre) learn later was the only way to keep his people safe, and Feyre alive. Just knowing that Rhys had his reasons for acting the way he did, and treating Feyre that way, doesn’t magically make their relationship healthy; what makes it healthy is that Feyre is allowed to be angry with Rhys, to express that anger, to demand changes and honesty, and for Rhys to accept Feyre has every right to not forgive him.
Feyre’s decision takes months; only comes after Rhys works to earn her trust and respect, and proves a) he only behaved the way he did because he had no other choice, and b) he will treat her as his equal in all things going forward. All of that happens long before they become romantic partners – the dots are connected over hundreds of pages, with every next step only taken when Feyre is ready. Her agency is paramount, and Rhys’ recognition of that is what makes their relationship work.
(He does keep one piece of information from her, but given that said information would have pressured her into making a decision she wasn’t ready to make, and that he’s clear about why he kept it from her, I’m inclined to forgive him – as is Feyre.)
Every story will have a different set of demands that’ll need to be met before a problematic relationship evolves into a healthy one, and even then the work isn’t done. Each partner needs to be aware that it’s an ongoing process, and that participation can’t be expected or earned based on past behavior. Trust is built, love is made. Each takes action, and awareness, and compassion.
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