No, said Aziraphale, it's ineffable.

There’s a town where, every time the clock shows a quarter of an hour, the rats come out and strike the bells.
And people watch, and cheer, and buy the souvenir hand-gnawed mugs and plates and spoons and clocks and other things that have no use whatsoever other than to be bought and taken home. And they go to the Rat Museum, and they eat Rat Burgers (Guaranteed No Rat) and buy Rat Ears that you can wear and buy the books of Rat poetry in Rat language and say ‘how odd’ when they see the street signs in Rat and marvel at how the whole place seems so clean…
And once a day the town’s rat piper, who is rather young, plays his pipes, and the rats dance to the music, usually in a conga line. It’s very popular (on special days a little tap-dancing rat organizes vast dancing spectaculars, with hundreds of rats in sequins, and water ballet in the fountains, and elaborate sets).
And there are lectures about the Rat Tax and how the whole system works, and how the rats have a town of their own under the human town, and get free use of the library, and even sometimes send their young rats to the school. And everyone says: How perfect, how well organized, how AMAZING!
And then most of them go back to their own towns and set their traps and put down their poisons, because some minds you couldn’t change with a hatchet. But a few see the world as a different place.

Terry Pratchett, “The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents“
(via noirandcandycanes)

I Accidentally Seduce the Right Hand Man of the Final Boss

Things to note: Okay, so this was me and my sister’s first time playing dungeons and dragons with my sis as dm. So, this was supposed to be a trial session, nothing more. Also, this happened last year so I may not remember a few things correctly. The events were like this.

So I, a bronze dragonborn rogue, got separated from my party aka kidnapped. I wake up in a cell, all of my weapons and equipment gone save for my lock picking kit except the only thing inside was a pin and something else that I couldn’t remember.

Either way, useless.

However, I didn’t give up. I was getting out. I managed to find out that a wall was hollow thanks to a good investigation roll. I managed to break my fingers from trying to break the wall (thanks dice). I resorted to hitting it with my tail, which actually worked. The wall finally gave out, revealing a corridor.

So, I go down there in the dark. Eventually I come across a fork. After investigating one corridor, which turned out to lead to a kitchen, I went to the other one.

So, imagine this: huge metal door, like those fancy huge ones that you see in castles, with this hatch. So I approach it and before I could do anything, the hatch opens and an eye pears out, it looks around before finally spotting me.

“Password?” A voice asks.

Now, I could simply say that I got lost and leave but nah. I was feeling adventurous and curious. So, I said that I was with someone. Voice asks me who I was with.

Guess what name I used.

“Enyo.” I confidently lied. “Enyo Fez.”

Yes. I actually said that. I didn’t expect the guy to fall for it. Hell, I got a bad roll. By some miracle, my sister’s roll was lower. In other news, he fell for it, there was an actual Enyo Fez inside and I am mistaken for the guy’s date. So I decided to roll with it even though I’m not dressed appropriately and I have a hand with broken fingers.

Two things I realized when I entered:
1) This was one of those parties where people get together to hook up. (I know there’s a name for it but I can’t put my finger on it)

2) This was full of monsters and villains. Yes. It was a Villains Gala or something.

So, I’m being led to my table, I’m white as a sheet after realizing that one wrong move could get me killed and also the fact some people (probably already tipsy) were either giving me the bedroom eyes or flirting with me. I even got someone’s number.

Eventually I reach my date’s table. Dragonborn, just like me only red, only more appropriately dressed, rather good-looking in Dragonborn standards.

This is where things get foggy but all I know is that thanks to the dice, he actually thought I was his date. I guess this was the first time he gets to meet his date face to face. He even had a picture of his date and I managed to lie that apparently ‘I had trouble getting dates because I was a dragonborn’ or something and he fell for it. We even waltzed, by the way. It was fake and magical at the same time.

Cue my sister telling me to roll for perception (I think it was). I made a good roll and I found out that “my” date was absolutely smitten. Crap.

Then he leads me away from the crowd and to this huge fancy window which shows a starry night and a bright full moon. I already had a bad feeling about it and turns out I was right. He was gonna confess that he likes me or was about to when a waiter came over to give him a letter.

A letter from his actual date who was apparently too sick to come.

While he was reading it out loud, I pulled a Cinderella and snuck the hell out of there and to a nearby fire exit which led outside. My sister added that I accidentally dropped my lock picking kit, which had my initials engraved on it, which my date picked up. And kept. Yeah. It turned into the world’s stupidest Cinderella story.

But wait, it gets stupider.

I managed to reach the inn where my party was. I told them a bit of what happened, leaving the date out because no you did NOT need to know about that. I get my fingers patched up, have dinner and hit the sack but before I do, I chat with my estranged family via this crystal ball (borrowed from one of my groupmates) that my sister came up as the verse’s version of a phone.

Anyway, I tell them what happened again leaving out the date part. Apparently, there have been missing person’s reports and rumors about this secret place where they serve people to the guest. You can guess where this is going.

So, I gave my dad, who was head of the investigation, the number that I got, which apparently belonged to a crime boss, I think. He said his thanks and we parted. I hit the sack.

So the next day, I read the paper. So, the place got invaded by my dad’s forces. A lot of people either died or got arrested. Few managed to escape. One of those that escaped was Enyo, who, thanks to my sister’s adlib, was apparently a dark paladin of Tiamat. I used to be an acolyte of Bahamut, her enemy, before I dropped out.

Unfortunately, the plot was so good, it needed to be continued. And that’s how we accidentally made a trial session into a full on session. All because I accidentally seduced the Right Hand Man of the Final Boss my sister was planning.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

I Accidentally Seduce the Right Hand Man of the Final Boss