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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
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As Will and Jack’s little sister Tiger got a bit older her mother began to entrust her with the task of writing to her brothers to keep them up to date with local news.

News which it seems she, being a tween-age girl, often was either not fully informed of or really cared all that much about. This lead to such informative passages as this one from February 1902…

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“I don’t know whether we have told you about Louis Roberts marriage. He was married to a teacher in the place he is teaching wherever that it. I thought if we haven’t told you you would give us rats when you found it out.”

-Tiger to Will, dated February 9, 1902.

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…WE HAVE BEEN INTO HOUSES WHERE THE CHILDREN HAD MANY TOYS AND BROUGHT THEM EVEN MORE TOYS, AND IN HOUSES LIKE THIS THE CHILDREN GET PRACTICALLY NOTHING.

“Huh, we’d have given anything to get practically nothing when I was a lad,” said Albert.

BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IS THAT IT?

“That’s about the size of it, master. A good god line, that. Don’t give ‘em too much and tell ‘em to be happy with it. Jam tomorrow, see?”

THIS IS WRONG, Death hesitated. I MEAN…IT’S RIGHT TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT. BUT YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT HAVING. THERE’S NO POINT BEING HAPPY ABOUT HAVING NOTHING.

Albert felt a bit out of his depth with this new tide of philosophy. “Dunno,” he said. “I suppose people’d say they’ve got the moon and the stars and suchlike.”

I’M SURE THEY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PRODUCE THE PAPERWORK.

“All I know is, if Dad’d caught us with a big bag of pricey toys we’d have just got a ding round the ear hole for nicking ‘em.”

IT IS…UNFAIR.

“That’s life, master.”

BUT I’M NOT.

“I meant, this is how it’s supposed to go, master,” said Albert.

NO. YOU MEAN THIS IS HOW IT GOES. […] IT IS HOGSWATCH, said Death, AND PEOPLE DIE ON THE STREETS. PEOPLE FEAST BEHIND LIGHTED WINDOWS AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NO HOMES. IS THIS FAIR?

““Well, of course, that’s the big issue-” Albert began.

THE PEASANT HAD A HANDFUL OF BEANS, AND THE KING HAD SO MUCH HE WOULD NOT EVEN NOTICE THAT WHICH HE GAVE AWAY. IS THIS FAIR?

“Yeah, but if you gave it all to the peasant then in a year or two, he’d be just as snooty as the king-” began Albert, jaundiced observer of human nature.

NAUGHTY AND NICE? said Death. BUT IT’S EASY TO BE NICE IF YOU’RE RICH. IS THIS FAIR?

 - ‘Hogfather’ by Sir Terry Pratchett.  Not the most oft-repeated part of the book, but one worth rereading.

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cat sounds, rated

edgebug

mrow?: inquisitive. timeless. succinct and to the point. 8/10

purr: is there anything better? 10/10

silent judgement: not a cat sound. does not count. 0/10

mow-wow-wow!: exuberant. joyful. a frank delight. you should be so lucky as to hear this cat sound on a regular basis. 9/10

AAAAAAAA: obnoxious. loud. why is my tiny bastard screaming? 3/10

rrrrrrrrrrrrr!: your cat is angry. this is a bad cat sound, but ultimately necessary so that you understand their displeasure. 5/10

mrrrp: cat activation noise. melodic. flawless vibrato. short and sweet. 9/10

the classic yodel: everyone loves a good yodel. shows off your cat’s vocal range. emotional. plaintive yet hopeful. showstopping. 8.5/10

the classic yodel after 1 AM: no!!!!!!!! -10000/10