No, said Aziraphale, it's ineffable.

Good Omens prompt: a post-Apocalypse picnic

Garashir prompt: discussing a Shakespeare play we don't get to see them talk about in canon. Maybe one of the less popular ones, like Measure for Measure.

I’m pulling the “I’m sick” card for choosing my favorite again: Much Ado About Nothing.

—

“So what do you think?” Julian asked.

Garak picked at his salad, looking remarkably uncomfortable. “I didn’t know Shakespeare wrote things that were so… explicit.”

Julian furrowed his brow at Garak. “Explicit?”

“How else would you characterize Beatrice and Benedick?” Garak said. He popped the last bits of salad into his mouth then patted his mouth with his napkin. “Their whole flirtation was practically obscene.”

“Did - Did we read the same play?” Julian asked, glancing at the PADD he had in front of him.

“I mean, really,” Garak continued as if he hadn’t heard Julian, “arguing in public like that.”

“Oh,” Julian said, suddenly realizing where the cultural mix-up was.

“And then him swearing his loyalty to her over his loyalty to the State!” Garak exclaimed. “Really, doctor, if I’d wanted smut I would have gotten one of Quark’s holosuite programs.”

“It’s not… It’s not smut,” Julian said. “By human standards, they’re…” He screwed up his brow. “Well, actually, they’re arguing for most of the time and that’s not considered sexual at all.”

Something sad flickered through Garak’s eyes, but was quickly replaced with a disdainful look. “Well, I can tell you right now, this book would be banned in most of Cardassia,” Garak said, sliding the PADD with his copy away from himself.

“For lewdness?” Julian asked, now intrigued over everything else.

“That and the blatant disregard for State and rank.” Garak picked up his mug of rokassa juice. “Also, is Don Pedro a complete moron or is he just blinded by pride like your Julius Caesar?”

“He’s –” Unfortunately for Garak, Julian was used to Garak’s attempts to steer the conversation. He shook his head slightly and refocused on what he really wanted to talk about: “Wait, so are you telling me that, to a Cardassian, Beatrice and Benedick fighting is close to erotic literature?”

“I thought I had made that painfully clear,” Garak said before taking another sip of rokassa juice.

“So, what would you call this?”

Garak froze, cup halfway to his lips. “I beg your pardon?”

“This. Us fighting over literature.”

The side of Garak’s mouth ticked up in a nervous half-smile. “We are not… We are not fighting, doctor,” he said, casting a glance at the tables around them like Julian had suggested they take off their clothes in front of everyone. He cradled his mug in his hands. “We are sharing. Sharing is hardly as… as intimate as…”

“But we do argue,” Julian, who had never learned when to take a hint, continued. “In fact, we argue in public.”

“While I don’t want to bruise your ego, I do feel as though you’re pushing rather hard on the idea that our little conversations are something more than what they are.”

“Then explain the difference to me,” Julian said. “It’s not like I’m unwilling to learn.”

“No, you’re certainly willing,” Garak said, a trifle archly. He took a long sip of rokassa juice. “However, there are some things that are not fit for lunchtime conversation.”

“Dinner then,” Julian said. “We can have it in my quarters if you’re really worried about the lewdness of the whole thing.”

Garak narrowed his eyes at Julian. “Are you sure, doctor?” he asked. “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“Not a problem. Miles is having a date night with Keiko anyway.”

Garak nodded his head at Julian. “Very well,” he said. “Would nineteen hundred hours be a good time?”

—

Julian wasn’t sure what he had expected. He was fairly sure it wasn’t Garak showing up with two PADDs under his arm as if he were about to give a lengthy book report. “They contain Act 1, Scene 1, Lines 114-143,” Garak explained as he handed one of the PADDs to Julian. “I will take Beatrice’s part if it’s all the same to you.”

“Uh, sure,” Julian said, sitting down on the couch and looking over the PADD. “So, you want to do a read-through of it?”

“I feel that might be the only way to convey the Cardassian implications,” Garak said as he pointedly stood in the middle of the room. He held up his copy of the play. “Shall we begin?”

“You have the first line,” Julian said.

Garak nodded.

“I wonder that you will still be talking, Signor Benedick,” Garak said, irritation and something indescribably attractive coming off him in waves. The way he looked at Julian made Julian feel like he was both the lowest lifeform on the station and the undisputed champion of everything around him. “Nobody marks you.”

“My dear Lady Disdain,” Julian said, trying to match Garak’s energy. He must have done something right because Garak sucked in a breath. “Are you yet living?”

“Is it possible,” Garak said, smoothly walking over to Julian, “that disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signor Benedick?” He loomed over Julian, his icy blue eyes searching for something in him and finding him lacking. “Courtesy itself much convert to disdain when you come in her presence.”

Julian suddenly felt furious. To be found lacking was bad in of itself. To be found lacking by Garak, a man whom he’d come to enjoy being around and whom he trusted against all odds, was something else. “Then is courtesy a turncoat,” Julian said, leaping up from his chair so that he was nose to nose with Garak. “But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted.”

Garak gave him a coy, teasing smile.

“Erm,” Julian said, his lines disappearing from his memory. He glanced down at the PADD. “A-And I would I could… erm…”

“Is something bothering you, doctor?” Garak asked, a mock look of concern on his face.

“I would I could.. erm…”

“Find it in your heart?” Garak suggested. “You do have one of those, don’t you?”

“Of course I have a heart, Garak!” Julian snapped. The Cardassian was so close to him now. “It’s just… erm…”

“I think,” Garak said, his breath hot on Julian’s cheek. “I win this argument. Don’t you?”

Julian glared at him, then took in the sight of his lips. So close. He reached out and grabbed Garak’s head, crushing their lips together. He recoiled almost instantly. “God, Garak, I’m so sorry,” he said as he backed up, his eyes wide. “I didn’t mean–”

“Will you quit apologizing and kiss me again, you idiot!” Garak snapped.

If lightbulbs could appear over people’s heads, one would have done so at that exact moment over the head of Dr. Julian Bashir. “Right,” he breathed before sweeping Garak into another rough kiss. The kiss turned into a bit more than a kiss which quickly morphed into something that had Julian aiming them both for the bed. Once all was said and done, they lay side by side with Julian half-curled on Garak’s bared chest. “You win,” Julian murmured. He kissed Garak on the cheek. “Although, I still don’t think the book should be banned.”

“It isn’t,” Garak replied breezily. “In fact, it’s one of the few of Shakespeare’s works that have gained popularity on Cardassia.”

“Hang on, you’ve read this before,” Julian protested, getting up onto his hands and knees.

Garak smirked at him. “Many times,” he replied. “Although,” he added, running a hand along Julian’s neck. “I can’t say that reading it has always had such pleasurable results.”

“So that talk about lewdness, was that just an act?” Julian exclaimed, jerking away from him.

“Not at all,” Garak said, his manner eerily calm for someone who had just been accused of lying his way into intimacy. “Much Ado About Nothing is considered an erotic play on Cardassia. We wouldn’t let children near it, but it hasn’t been banned by the State. Just… discouraged in polite society.”

“So, what? You planned this all out as a way to seduce me?” Julian asked, pulling his sheets up around him.

Garak laughed wryly. “As much as I appreciate you thinking that I’ve controlled every aspect of this encounter, much of what we did was impromptu. I had some hopes when you first recommended the play, but I didn’t think I’d end up in your bed,” Garak said. “And, if you’ll recall, I did ask if you were sure when you suggested that I explain the cultural implications in your quarters.” He gestured at the two of them in bed. “This, my prince’s jester, was negotiated by both of us.”

“Oh,” Julian said. He sank down onto the bed again and inched towards Garak. “Is that a common endearment on Cardassia?” he asked as he slotted himself next to Garak again.

“Hardly,” Garak said. “But I felt it was appropriate.”

“I’m not an idiot,” Julian grumbled.

“Now, doctor, we could try for round two, but I’d rather bask in the moment, if you wouldn’t mind,” Garak teased.

Julian rolled his eyes and rested his head on Garak’s chest again. They spent a few moments in contented silence before Julian leapt up from the bed, murmuring curses to himself.

“What is it?” Garak asked, bolting upright in the bed.

“I forgot about dinner,” Julian said as he rushed towards the replicator in the living room. “You must be starving.”

Garak stared, open-mouthed, at the doorway to Julian’s living room before smiling softly to himself and curling up in bed. When Julian returned, he found Garak deeply, peacefully asleep. “Goodnight, sweet prince,” Julian murmured as he tucked the covers around Garak’s neck. He kissed him on top of the head. “And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.”

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Exit Strategy+ Spoilers