[clientsfromhell]

Might As Well Have Explained It In Chinese

A client for a software project says the computer language is HTML/CSS when in fact it is C++.

To help him understand the problem I used an analogy:

Me: “Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language; I am fluent in English and Spanish. Meanwhile, your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t know Chinese and it is not remotely similar to any of the languages I know, I am not your best option for this project. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language for the project to be successful and stay on budget.”

He said he understands and thanks me for my time.

The next morning, I receive a message from another software developer:

Developer: “Why is [Client] asking us if we are fluent in Chinese?”

[clientsfromhell]

There Is No Holiday From Conditional Formatting

I sent the project manager a spreadsheet filled with edits and tracked defects.

Client: “Oh, look at all the nice red and greens. Such nice Christmas colors, very festive of you!”

Me: “Thanks, ’tis the season. But the red means there’s a problem, and the green are values that need to be filled in.”

[clientsfromhell]

If You Don’t Take The Time You Can’t Spend The Time

Me: “If you want a custom Christmas e-mail template, it’ll take at least two billable hours.”

Client: “We don’t want to pay extra. Can’t you just add a snowy background?”

Me: “It’s a bit more complicated than that. I’m sorry, but I do have to charge by the hour.”

Client: “No. Why don’t you spend a couple of hours figuring out how we can do this for free.”

Me: “You want me to sit here for a “couple hours” to figure out a way you can get me to work for a couple of hours for free?”

[clientsfromhell]

They Are The Image Of Obliviousness

Me: “I’ve attached four different options for the cover page. Please let me know which one you prefer so I can purchase the relevant stock image. I’ve provided the cost of each image below for your convenience. Thanks.”

One week later:

Client: “Yes… I like the images.”

[clientsfromhell]

It’s Not Clicking

After a forty-minute in-depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”

Me: “…and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.”

Client: “Looks great. But how do we get paid?”

Me: “It’s pay per click.”

Client: “As in…”

Me: “We get paid per click.”

Client: “I’m not getting it.”

[burlbread]

[tiarnanabhfainni]

someone has already posted this but buffy was definitely the funniest example of american tv using irish as a magical language for spells and the occult. mostly because this passage was very obviously copied and pasted from an article about a new bus lane

[veterinaryshitposting]

[saintdollyparton]

Listen I know she is unhinged, responsible for multiple atrocities, and a danger to herself and others. But have you ever considered that she is tiny and sad and I love her?

[sarahwys-deactivated20220315]

people, defending their cats.

[pictures-of-dogs]

[pictures-of-dogs]

i love posting at irregular hours to keep my followers on their toes

[pictures-of-dogs]

this is a very special dog, only for people online right now

[pictures-of-dogs]

I’m so glad it’s this version of the post that’s getting notes again, not that other version.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

[clownboybeebop]

kindly requesting my bones stay in place

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Thank you for your service, bones.

Here is a message I just received from a service called PlantMate that is going to take care of my bones for me. I know they will be well taken care of because of how they look:

[rbksubrans]

book omens dood