No, said Aziraphale, it's ineffable.

tieflinggay

nobody on earth is funnier than the winners of the bulwer-lytton fiction contest

charlataned

highlights from the 2018 winners include:

“Eli Jacob Crowley, the famed pioneer figure who spearheaded America’s westward expansion by blazing the Crowley Trail in 1838, was an awe-inspiring figure of a man, as stout as a four-century-old oak, as intellectually complex as the fronds of a Florida palm, as singularly focused as the trunk of a Giant Sequoia, though in all other respects, not like a tree at all.” (John Hardi)

“Talila Norpiros, heir to the elven throne and commander of her people’s armed forces, chose a slightly more risqué outfit that morning than she would normally wear to battle, theorizing that if she were presented as a sex symbol as well as a dynamic protagonist, the series might attract a few more male readers and finally make the New York Times bestseller list.” (Bridget Parmenter)

“It wasn’t fair to call Michael a scum-sucking monster from the deep, the miserable, fetid descendant of some unnamed demon who, after centuries at the very depths of the ocean, had somehow surfaced and found his way to Wall Street—it was accurate, of course, but he preferred Michael.” (Allison Bryski)

and my personal favourite:

“Once upon a time, there was a place where things happened; allow me to be more specific.” (John Wallace)

elftwink

just fucking remembered contest again so nobody asked but here are some 2019 winner highlights

“It was a dark and stormy night, and since this was Miami in July and everyone had left their convertible tops down, the rain fell in Cadillacs.” (Andrew Lundberg)

“When the tall dark, handsome, buff, and wealthy cowboy moseyed into my “Blazin’ Six-guns” novelty shop, I felt a wave of heat flood through me, as if I had accidentally swallowed my sub-lingual nicotinic acid lozenge, causing the niacin to be released instantaneously, rather than in a more controlled, extended, low-potency dose, for which means the prescription had been written.” (Randall Card)

“Zajaxian Planetary Law required that war, if it must be fought, be fought not with bombs, bullets and blood, as on our own primitive Earth, but with serried banks of immensely powerful mainframe computers, even though they were bulky to carry and unwieldy to throw.“ (Jeremy Das)

“The High Gondonderil gazed on with horror as the Elgaborian legions marched at a single, pitiless pace into the once peaceful streets of Sar-Andrada, the capital city of the kingdom of Xanthil, located in a fantasy universe which might seem extremely confusing at present but which will doubtless make perfect sense to you, dear reader, once you realize that, like most fantasy universes, it’s basically just Tolkien’s Middle-earth with different names for things.” (Harrison Glaze)

elftwink

would you look at that its time to talk about my favourite bad fiction contest!! here are some 2020 winner highlights

“The first thing I noticed about the detective’s office was how much it reminded me of the baggage claim at a nearby airport: the carpet was half a century out of date, it reeked of cigarettes and cheap booze, and I was moderately certain that my case had been lost.” (Paul Kollas)

“’You may know my true name,’ gloated Archmage-Emperor !Gfńatt’ Bdúnśṽiobfhńr to the foolish traitor who had dared try to end his glorious mage-empire’s reign, ‘but can you pronounce it?’” (Gideon Gordon)

“The sound of his raspy voice and the feel of his chilly hand on her shoulder made her shudder, like the wooden things on the sides of windows, but a verb rather than a noun, and with two d’s rather than two t’s.” (Kagte Minyard)

“Jarrod, lying in the bed next to Selina, on his side with his head in his hand, asked, ‘What would your husband do if he saw me right now?’ and Selina, who was watching her husband sneak up on Jarrod holding a tire iron with two hands raised above his head, replied, ‘Probably sneak up on you with a tire iron raised above his head, preparing to use it for something other than its intended purpose.’” (Randy Blanton)

elftwink

it’s 2021 winner time and i want to be clear this time that “bad fiction” is not a judgment on my part, it’s the whole goal of the contest. the about page says, “…the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest challenges entrants to compose opening sentences to the worst of all possible novels.” i’m not insulting them. anyway here are my faves <3

“It was a dark and stormy … morning, Gotcha! – this is just the first of innumerable twists and turns that you, dear Reader, will struggle to keep abreast of as I unfold my tale of adventure as second plumber aboard the hapless SS Hotdog during that fateful summer of 1974.” (Louise Taylor)

“Our story begins in the cozy cottage of Bynnoldh-Dyr, son of Asgwitch-Torgwyr, in the idyllic elven village of Myrthffolwrd, but our book actually begins some two hundred pages earlier, in which you are pummeled by irrelevant history and unpronounceable names, because my publisher is paying me by the word.” (Neil B Harrison)

“As the dawn begin to break, Debby and Robert, their arms tightly wrapped around each other, watched in awe as the sky turned a brilliant pinkish red as the sun’s rays inched their way down the slopes of the craggy peaks of the Rocky Mountains, but this was Canada so the rays were centimetering their way down the slopes.” (Daniel Leyde)

“She had a deep, throaty laugh, like the sound a dog makes right before it throws up.” (Janie Doohan)

thesnadger

Guys I found the only good thing on Facebook.

thesnadger

Update:

jemthecrystalgem

Oh fuck they’re inclusive ants, too?!?

foxpunk

Image Descriptions

[Image 1: A Screenshot of an invitation to a Facebook group named: “A group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony.” Under that is a post in the group that reads: “We reached the center of the Earth. Now what?” Four people commented saying one word each in this order: scurry, dig, work, melt. These words are in capital letters and have spaces between each letter.]

[Image 2: Another Screenshot of a post in the group that reads: “It has come to my attention that when we put the spaces in-between letters it makes it difficult for visually impaired ants to know what we’re saying and so I was wondering if we could try to make this group more accessible for them. (The text to voice can’t figure out what we are saying with the spaces) (Picture of an ant for attention)” This text is then followed by a close up picture of an ant.]

[Image 3: A screenshot of some comments on the post in Image 2. Five people commented: adapt, adapt, inclusion, love adapt, adapt. These words are in capital letters and have no spaces between the letters.]

End of IDs.

sardonic-soprano

Please do not reblog this post without image descriptions! The irony of sharing undescribed images that talk about inclusivity for the visually impaired is… Painful.

sympathetic-deceit-trash

I’m in this group!! It’s great!

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.