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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
faceupandsing
spoiledchestnut

Alien: You shouldn’t eat that.

Human: What?

Alien: That thing. Don’t you know it’s extremely acidic? Enough to cause eventual deterioration of your flesh?

Human: ….it’s a fucking pineapple.

hornygold

Alien: But that thing contains bromelain, it’ll destroy your body’s proteins!

Human: Not if I digest the bromelain first.

Alien: Humans are insane!

crazy-pages

“Not if I digest it first” is an official human motto, in close competition with “not if I pet it first”.

annearachne

Trying to imagine what an alien’s reaction to “I’m here for a good time, not a long time” would be

actualblanketgremlin
dimetrodone

The idea that humans would be seen as inferior and pathetic compared to aliens are done, posts about how humans are incomprehensible and so amazing and constantly impress and bewilder aliens are out, aliens that characterize humans as “"a proud race of grain farmers with oily skin” is now in

actualblanketgoblin

For an early example of this sort of thing, I can’t recommend the Weird Pulp story “The Challenge From Beyond”.

It’s a round robin, which means that several authors got together and wrote this story collaboratively. One author wrote the beginning, the next picked up and wrote the next three pages, and so on. What makes this particular story noteworthy is that its authors were somewhat celebrities in their time.

HP Lovecraft is someone you may not know, but you probably know his creations: Cthulhu and the Necronomicon (yes, like the book from Evil Dead). Robert E. Howard wrote about Conan the Barbarian. There are two or three other authors as well, but Lovecraft and Howard’s sections are the most important in this context.

The story so far: George Campbell is a professor taking a sabbatical by camping in the woods of Canada. Whatever floats your boat, my guy. He discovers this crystalline cube outside of his tent and spends all night looking into it.

Now, Lovecraft comes in and adds that this activates some sort of interstellar cause and effect and George’s consciousness flies through space, causing him to pass out. He knows instinctively that an alien race is behind this cosmic cube, and he discovers exactly who they are when he wakes up. They’re described as basically giant space centipedes that really just need to know all the information ever (pretty much exactly like the Yithians, if you’re familiar with Lovecraft’s work) and also George is in one of their bodies. He’s scared, he’s horrified about what might happen to him on this alien planet and also about what might happen to the alien presumably in his body on Earth. This causes him to pass out again and for the story to go to Robert E Howard.

If you’ve read any of Lovecraft’s work, you know he has a very bleak outlook on humanity. They were created as a mistake or a joke, are generally weak both mentally and physically, and during Lovecraft’s three page section, dear old George faints a whopping three times. Robert E. Howard, on the other hand, is almost the complete opposite. In his stories, Conan is a beast, he’s so powerful he almost doesn’t know what to do with himself, other than save the day and get the girl. Humans are successful in what they do, simply because they’re human, and humans are awesome. This leads to one of my favorite bits of literary whiplash I have ever read.

When George wakes up again, he isn’t afraid. He’s excited about the possibilities of what this new body can do and what this planet has to offer. He isn’t a loathsome gray worm, that’s judging by human standards. He isn’t human anymore, and probably this body gets all the ladies. Somehow, he’s able to tap into the body’s memories and knows everything the worm new. This planet is called Yacomb and the worm guy coming towards him is the Supreme Lord of Science. The worms think they’re invulnerable, but they haven’t met George Campbell! Our hero grabs a scalpel and guts the Supreme Lord of Science before making his escape. He knows that the worm people worship this thing in a temple, so he goes there, guts a priest, and takes the thing for himself. The worms worship him now, and he rules over them more fairly and justly than any of their kings.

I think the Lovecraft model of thinking came about around the same time as Alien and The Thing. They wanted to showcase their alien design, so the logical way to do that was to nerf the human characters. I love stories like that, don’t get me wrong, but I also love that we’re getting away from that now.

norsesuggestions
norsesuggestions

In the art of getting deers to leave your crops alone, NO method is too strange.

Forexample:

Try to really speak the language of animals, and freaking pee around your crops field.

Yes. Pee. Humans walking around, and peeing in a circle to protect their crops.

Fascinating

(Admin note: this was a tips written in SEVERAL swedish gardening magazines. Idk how many do this in reality, but like… They suggested alot. Although their suggestion was too mix human pee into water and like circle your garden with this. They said a dog peeing in the territory works too. But what if one has no dog??? I amazed at the levels people are ready to go to get deers to leave their gardens alone. Like it is possible no one actually do this, but STILL someone is clearly ready to do it when it suggested in several newspapers)

anais-ninja-bitch

in the american south, i’ve heard of this, but kinda in reverse. so like, hunters don’t pee around where they hunt because it scares deer away.

godswalkwithher

I have 100% legit peed around my garden before. it helps.

norsesuggestions

I would imagne it does. And you are making a future archeologist happy i guess, think of all those high phosopate (idk the spelling) amounts they will be able to find in the soil!

Archeologist in sweden at least, loves finding traces of ancient human peeing spots. Like seriously, i am not even exaggarting. That is one of their main ways of provning human presence in a location. Finding ancient human peeing spots.

With circle around your garden, they can EVEN find a fascinating pee pattern, if which they can mysteries off (in this imagnation example they have somehow lost the knowledge of the “peeing around your garden” method, but still use the same archeology methods as today. Odd that… but ssshh its my imagnation).

The articles i read btw also recommended varying your “deer detergent” methods, because the deers in sweden get used to a method and loses fear of it.

Here was some of the wild suggestion of how to, 2018, make your scaring away deers “scarecrow” (were i personally have no idea which works and which do not.):

  • Hang cut off human hair in different locations in the garden. Smells like you, they will perhaps avoid garden (to they get used to it
  • Fake deer tail butts everywhere in garden. They might think: “oh that is another deers eating location. I must avoid!”
  • Mix bone powder, animal blood, ammoniak. Take this mixture and circle it around your garden (this one was suggested as the best method
  • Water your plants with a mix of human pee and water (this poor garderner really must pee alot….)
  • Apply animal blood mixed with ammoniak to spots in garden

These garderners are hard core. Also of anyone is wondering, yes we also shoot the deers ofcourse, but there must be a balance were they are still allowed to exist. Like we can’t hunt and kill them all, they DO belong in the swedish fauna.

But they are…. too many. And there is an entire bunch which are way to unafraid of humans, and have started to live in the suburbs all year round (in Stockholms suburb forexample). There are almost no predators for them there.

So now we got some very cheeky dears, without any fear of humans, who have specialised themselves on eating food from human gardens. Fascinating in a way. I know them very closely, having many times while growing up, opened the door to my house in the morning and been met with an entire bunch of deers just chilling and eating our gardens

(For context sweden has for about the last 100 years had an human created inbalance between predator animals, and predators. This is why we are now drowning in deers. Because SOMEONE, aka ourselves, tried to make all predator animals exctinct in sweden about a 100 years ago)

Source

about deers in sweden and mentions some of the above methods of getting them to leave your gardens alone http://www.nrm.se/faktaomnaturenochrymden/djur/daggdjur/hovdjur/radjurochdovhjort.1382.html