(As with the other SF, take these not with offence but with a large pinch of salt - I like a lot of the songs I've satirised here.)
Austria: The one where they fit a ESC entry into a tourist vid
Belarus: The one that's so joyful that you can be forgiven for involuntarily emitting an exclamation of "squee!"
Bulgaria: The one sent with the implicit purpose of making most of us feel óld.
Croatia: The one that shows you that you're never short of friends, when you have multiple personality disorder.
Czechia: The one with the world's saddest orgy pre-party.
Denmark: The one where an Aussie takes part in ESC without having to bung the EBU money under the table.
Estonia: The one with a duo who have as much chemistry as two inert gases, music from the (19)90s and a lyrical cliché dating from the (15)90s.
Hungary: The one that perhaps comes closest to celebrating musical diversity.
Ireland: The one with the recycled Westlife b-side and the offspring of Harry Potter and Alvin the Chipmunk.
Israel: The one with the very questionable dance moves.
Lithuania: The one which will traumatise dogs and small children across Europe.
Macedonia: The one with the world's most underwhelming virtual reality game.
Malta: The one where the title matches the vocal style.
Netherlands: The one with the exhibition of an ancient Dutch pagan tradition - engaging in vocal harmonising in the woods at midnight to invoke the spirits.
Norway: The one with the serial killer moonlighting as a DJ.
Romania: The one with the unlikeliest blend of genres since the mid-80s zydeco-ska crossover.
Russia: The one that is as strategic as Kasparov and Karpov combined.
San Marino: The one where three times is many and four times is too many.
Serbia: The one where Katy Perry called and wants her chorus to Firework back.
Switzerland: The one where they pledge faithful devotion to a God who had dozens of lovers.
And this final's "Big 6" voters:
France: The one with the ill-fitting English chorus forced in.
Germany: The one that is very metal. Not heavy metal. Light, but strong metal. Do you guett' what I'm saying?
Ukraine: The one whose lyrics would mostly not look out of place if accompanied with the "hits blunt" meme.