Things I’ve learned about dealing with someone with dementia and/or memory issues.
1. Smile and answer the question like it’s the first time they’ve asked. Even if it’s the fourteenth or fortieth.
2. Erase the phrase “Don’t you remember?” or any reiteration of it from your vocabulary.
3. Unless it’s causing a problem, don’t correct any fabrication or misstatement of facts. They are filling in the blanks with false memories and they think it’s true. Telling them the truth, no matter how logical or rational you are, will only upset them further.
4. Listen for intention not the words they say. They may call you by a different name, mix up the days of the week, or conflate three people into one, but asking if you want egg salad for dinner is what they want to know. Answer that and let the rest go.
5. Sometimes they just want someone to say “I love you.” When they tell a story or complain or get frustrated, you don’t always have to solve it. In fact, jumping in and solving it makes them feel inadequate and useless. Give them a hug and tell them you care instead.
6. Give them things to do. Sitting around thinking about all the things they don’t remember only heightens depression and anxiety. Let them wash the dishes and don’t mention if they put them away in the wrong places. Let them make egg salad and then eat some of it.
7. You have to be willing to change too. Just because you’ve always put the cans in alphabetical order doesn’t mean you have to get angry and storm about when they put them up randomly.
8. There’s often a method to their forgetting. My mother calls me Linda all the time; that’s her sister, the one everyone says I look like. I just accept it and answer to that name because when she looks at me she doesn’t know if she’s seeing her daughter or her sister.