— S04E10 - “Our Man Bashir”

S04E10 - “Our Man Bashir”

dressedtothedsnines

Bond. Sir Thomas Bond. (That’s one for our British friends.)

Better red than dead

We kick off the episode with Julian in a Bond-esque holomovie, beating up bad guys and about to share champagne with a ~~Bond~~ Bashir girl in a sparkly red dress, ginormous sparkly earrings, and a platinum blonde updo. She’s probably lucky that she’s about to get bored and leave, because in most Bond films this is pretty much the character that gets fridged. In, y'know, a shiny, sparkly fridge.

Bond girl, bye

Exit, stage left, giving us a long shot of her slinkiness. I must say she wears it extremely well. This being Trek, of course, her shoes match precisely.

Luvsitt or Leavesitt

Spy!Bashir’s “valet” is named, I swear to god, Mona Luvsitt. I can only assume he recruited her from the local roller derby league. She is wearing what would be a pretty nice pinstriped pantsuit, if she had pants. Instead she has go-go boots. Made, one can only assume, for walking.

Julian’s taste in art is atrocious. Let’s see, what should go in the entryway? Giant sand dollar, check. Mondrian knockoff from Taiwan, check. The hall table is on tank treads so it can make a break for it when no one’s looking.

Double entendre, shaken, not stirred

I will say this for Mona, her silk pocket square perfectly matches her silk teddy. That’s just what Giorgio Armani would do.

I’m a trust fund, baby, you can trust me

Say what you will about Bashir’s fantasy life, but the man can wear a tux! I love this pose. His face is so fucking Connery it hurts. There ought to be a cigarette dangling from his lip. And the little glimpse of suspenders just kills it.

Excuse me, I need a moment.

“…wait, you actually tell everybody your NAME?”

Pop culture spy fantasy meets Elim Garak, actual spy, and it is HILARIOUS. Though for a tailor, he doesn’t seem to fit his tux too well. It looks all bunchy. Also he needs either a haircut or a ponytail; I like long hair on men, but it’s just not going with the look.

There are bad outfits and there are good outfits– and then there’s Garak

Woah, genre switch! We went from British spy to San Francisco cop. I’m not super fond of the suit jacket over turtleneck thing, but if it was good enough for Steve McQueen, it’s good enough for Garak.

I can’t even with Bashir’s light blue polyester suit. My dad had one like that in the early 70s. Worn with super shiny white shoes. Nothing says “suave super spy” like a 1970s prom chaperon.

Kira fhtagn

Kira temporarily believes she is KGB spy Anastasia Komananov (sound that out) and has fallen asleep on Bashir’s bed. How anyone could fall asleep under the Headboard of Cthulhu is beyond me. I guess that slinky pink negligee is really comfortable. Marabou slippers are not comfortable in any universe, but it delights me that she’s wearing them. It’s such a perfect touch.

Those emerald satin sheets give me flashbacks. I had a set just like that from Victoria’s Secret in the early 90s (except not round), and y'all, satin sheets are just not all they’re cracked up to be. When you try to make the bed, the flat sheet keeps sliding right off the fitted one, and when you wash them, creepy dudes try to hit on you at the laundromat. Just go with a nice cotton. Trust me on this.

Net. Aqua Net.

OMG I LOVE HER HAIR IT IS SO PERFECTLY SIXTIES. Bouffant swirly updo with a cute barrette at the crown, which matches her earrings so I assume it also contains weaponry.

We also get a glimpse we probably weren’t supposed to, that Kira is wearing either a strapless bra or a pair of those stick-on ones (did they have those in the 60s?) Which isn’t exactly shocking; there’s no way she wasn’t wearing some kind of foundation garment, given the shape of that thing. Again: how the hell did she fall asleep?

May the eyeballs be ever in your favor

O'Brien, who thinks he is Falcon, is wearing a leather jacket over dark clothes that aren’t worth a separate screencap, but BAHAHAHAHA HIS EYEPATCH HAS A FALCON ON IT. It’s probably resin, but we’re supposed to believe it’s metal. Yeah… my husband has made partial metal masks. They do NOT stay on that well with one little string. And your face muscles get sore from flexing weirdly to keep the mask from slipping. But who cares, METAL FALCON EYEPATCH. Ridonk.

Scarlett O'Hara, the unseen years

In what is supposed to be a Paris nightclub but is clearly just someone’s living room, a go-go dancer has made a top out of the drapery tiebacks. Which is why the drapes are closed.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by fashion

Meanwhile, a sequinned beatnik (which is my Gary Glitter tribute band) serves drinks to nonspecific royals (which is my Smiths tribute band).

Gentlemen prefer Bajorans

Garak and Bashir get back in their tuxes to go meet the head villain, while Kira does our second Marilyn Monroe impression of the season. I must say she pulls it off much better than Green Backgrounder at Quark’s. Bashir appears to agree. A little too much. Stoppit, Julian.

Diamonds are a… oh you know the rest

Her outfit comes complete with a diamond tiara, in honor of which her hair is even higher. Raising the stakes! Which is not a good way to get your hair to stay up.

Sometimes a holographic cigar is just a holographic cigar

In someone’s dining room, Worf, who believes he is Duchamps, rocks a white dinner jacket and a cigar. Damn, it’s a good look for him. More Worf in tuxes please!

It means someone really wanted our initials to spell SPECTRE

Sisko believes he is Dr. Noah, in a lovely Nehru jacket of russet brocade. It’s simple and elegant and fits well, and there’s not much else to say about it. (He himself has a lot to say, because he’s going to flood the world. And have a small preserve for his handpicked survivors. Because he is Dr. Noah. YOU GUYS.)

Beautiful All Along

Trope alert! Dr. Honey Bare (SRSLY) is about to get the Glasses Gotta Go treatment. First, we get a good look at her in her lab coat, long skirt, and sensible flats.

Spies don’t make passes at Trills who wear glasses