(As with the other SF, take these not with offence but with a large pinch of salt - I like a lot of the songs I've satirised here.)

Austria The one where they fit a ESC entry into a tourist vid

Belarus The one that's so joyful that you can be forgiven for involuntarily emitting an exclamation of "squee!"

Bulgaria The one sent with the implicit purpose of making most of us feel óld.

Croatia The one that shows you that you're never short of friends, when you have multiple personality disorder.

Czechia The one with the world's saddest orgy pre-party.

Denmark The one where an Aussie takes part in ESC without having to bung the EBU money under the table.

Estonia The one with a duo who have as much chemistry as two inert gases, music from the (19)90s and a lyrical cliché dating from the (15)90s.

Hungary The one that perhaps comes closest to celebrating musical diversity.

Ireland The one with the recycled Westlife b-side and the offspring of Harry Potter and Alvin the Chipmunk.

Israel The one with the very questionable dance moves.

Lithuania The one which will traumatise dogs and small children across Europe.

Macedonia The one with the world's most underwhelming virtual reality game.

Malta The one where the title matches the vocal style.

Netherlands The one with the exhibition of an ancient Dutch pagan tradition - engaging in vocal harmonising in the woods at midnight to invoke the spirits.

Norway The one with the serial killer moonlighting as a DJ.

Romania The one with the unlikeliest blend of genres since the mid-80s zydeco-ska crossover.

Russia The one that is as strategic as Kasparov and Karpov combined.

San Marino The one where three times is many and four times is too many.

Serbia The one where Katy Perry called and wants her chorus to Firework back.

Switzerland The one where they pledge faithful devotion to a God who had dozens of lovers.

And this final's "Big 6" voters

France The one with the ill-fitting English chorus forced in.

Germany The one that is very metal. Not heavy metal. Light, but strong metal. Do you guett' what I'm saying?

Ukraine The one whose lyrics would mostly not look out of place if accompanied with the "hits blunt" meme.