Snorri:

Who wins: You, but indirectly. It’s best to just leave him alone.

First of all, you could fight Snorri but why would you want to? He may be a slight little old man who enjoys taking bubble-baths and writing textbooks, but this dude is freaking dangerous. He’s a respected lawspeaker with old money who sires basically the beginning of the Icelandic mafia known as the Age of the Sturlungs, you don’t wanna fuck with that. However…It honestly doesn’t matter if you fight him or not, considering the King of Norway has it out for him real bad. Still, don’t fight Snorri.

Saxo:

Who wins: You. Oh my god please just hurry up and punch him in the face pleaaaaaase.

Saxo Grammaticus more like Saxo kiss my assicus. Dude made a living by being a cranky spoil sport who wrote almost exclusively in a gaudy Latin style because he thought he was hot shit. He’s not hot shit though, he’ll probably go down with one punch and a whimper. His name literally means “Saxo the Literate” or “the Grammarian.” Please, beat this nerd into the ground before I do it for you.

Tacitus:

Who wins: Nobody.

Don’t fight Tacitus, that would just be sad. The man was just doing his best. Leave him to play with his manuscripts and dinky roman coin collection, he’ll get tired and go home eventually.

Adam of Bremen:

Who wins: Adam of Bremen

This is a man living off of pure anger and the promises of Christian martyrdom alone. He probably even made up most of his descriptions of the Temple at Uppsala, just to fuck with archaeologists and historians hundreds of years later. What a prick. Don’t fight Adam of Bremen, he will fight dirty, hit you with a crucifix upside the head, and you will die. Amen, motherfucker.

Ahmad ibn Fadlān ibn al-Abbās ibn Rāšid ibn Hammād:

Who wins: Nobody!

Don’t fight ibn Fadlān!!! Even if you disagree with his ethnographic portrayals of the ‘Varangians,’ holy shit don’t fight him?? He is strong and he is patient. He only wants to explain Islamic law and talk about the correct forms of hygiene that’s it, just let him do his thing in peace! Even if you do end up wining in a fight, this man was sent by the embassy directed by the Abbasid Caliph of Baghdad! People WILL go looking for you AND HUNT YOU DOWN. This is an important man! Don’t sign your own death wish!!

Ari Þorgilsson:

Who wins: Ari

Who the fuck are you even trying to fool? This man wrote Íslendingabók, and he will bludgeon you to death with it. Go home, tell your kids you love them, watch a sunset, eat a candy bar. Don’t fight Ari.