Why you should watch The Three Musketeers (1993)

[sicktodeathoflogic]

• the opening scene where tim curry literally enters on a gondola as part of a river styx/hell metaphor, complete with an underground sewer dungeon
  
• tim curry delivering some of the most over-the-top, yet somehow understated one-liners:
• “all for one……… and more for me…….”
• “remember, kings come and kings go, but one thing remains the same, and that….. is me”
  
• captain rochefort’s whisper-acting throughout the whole movie
• rivaled only by kiefer sutherland’s grumble-acting
  
• “only a fool would try to arrest us twice in one day” “you’re under arrest!” “a fool.”
• rochefort dramatically slicing through the castle candles
• “the cardinal! we have to hurry!” “you two have a date?” “no, it’s the cardinal, he’s conspiring against the king!” “tell us something we don’t know.”
  
• the whole bar scene where the guys teach d’artagnan how to pick up chicks
• “d’artagnan rides with me” “see you in calais –” “OR HELL”
• porthos and aramis’ bromance
• charlie sheen being as suave as you’ll ever see him:
• “you’re married?!” “yes i’m married!” “ohhh - we must pray for our sins” [husband bursts in and shoots at him] “on second thought, God’s often busy”
• also - charlie sheen playing a priest
  
• “champagne?” “we’re in the middle of a chase, porthos!” “you’re right. something red.”
• chris o’donnell fulfilling every whiny 90s teen stereotype
• pretty Austrian landscapes
  
• “this _____ was a gift to me, from the _____ of ______”
• the Eighth Doctor himself playing the foppish, squealing comic relief
• milady de winter barely breaking a monotone through the whole movie, even right before she throws herself off a cliff
  
• charlie sheen and tim curry’s interactions???? like:
• “you are under arrest, charged with treason” “you of all people should know, that the cardinal does not answer to the laws of men” “then you’ll answer to GOD!” [tim curry shoots charlie sheen] “you first.”
  
• the sword fighting is actually pretty good
• king louis bearing a striking resemblance to elijah wood

[bemusedlybespectacled]

oh but you forgot

• the fact that rochefort NEVER MOVES HIS FACIAL MUSCLES. even when he’s like “you are ORDERED to DISPERSE!!!” he never raises his voice or changes his neutral facial expression.
  
• porthos insisting that he’s totally famous throughout the movie and you never believe him until it turns out to be true
  
• porthos: hmmm, five of them, three of us, hardly seems fair.
  [d’artagnan tries to enter the huddle; porthos pushes him out]
  aramis: maybe we should give them a chance to surrender
  d’artagnan, completely missing the point: EXCUSE ME but there’s FOUR of us
• every line out of porthos’ mouth tbh
• god. the GAY.
  
• the sword high five every time porthos and aramis meet up or have to separate
• athos: you need a lesson in manners, boy.
  d’artagnan: any time
• actually just everything between athos and d’artgnan to be perfectly honest. and I am including athos drunk!venting to d’artagnan about how stupid love is.
• the awkward teenage dorkiness of king louis xiii and the badassery of his wife, anne of austria
• oatmeal face guy
  
• the 90s pop song over the ending credits

[claraxbarton]

I fucking love this movieeeeeeeee

[archaeo-geek]

You forgot “PORTHOS THE PIRATE”

[tinsnip]

‘cause when it’s alllll forrrr oneeee
it’s ALL FOR LOOOOVE