Aries: You have an excellent pile of salted meat, share it with your friends.

Taurus: Pay attention and be gentile, you will be rewarded.

Gemini: Turns out you can make so many bad decisions you come out the other end well adjusted. 

Cancer: Eventually this will become a cool backstory, like batman.

Leo: If you have enough points, all Leos can unlock their lion form today.

Virgo: You will turn heads at your high school reunion by showing up in a dress made of human arms.

Libra: Discover your ability to telepathically control 80′s new wave artists.

Scorpio: Store your tiny notebook inside of a larger notebook.

Sagittarius: Your hair is wreathed in flowers made of twilight.

Capricorn: Recede into yourself, like a turtle but with your soul.

Aquarius: Plants associated with alchemichal purity grow between your ribs.

Pisces: The angel made a fresh kill and left its corpse by your shoes. It is a gift.