[patricianandclerk]

tbh can you imagine how fucked up it would have been if crowley went to heaven in aziraphale’s body, and instead of the hellfire, they gave him… more of the usual treatment they have with aziraphale, even as he’s being weird and fucking up. because like. the amount of slack heaven has given aziraphale for six thousand years has honestly been insane, and i wouldn’t be that surprised

like, can you imagine crowley walking up, fully expecting them to try and kill him, and instead he gets like, an office review

where gabriel is like, “listen, aziraphale, your performance on earth, we genuinely thought you were doing excellently, but this stuff with crowley got super out of hand, and to be honest, i’m really hurt right now because you lied to us all that time… but miracles still got done, you know?  you still did a good job, even if you portioned it out with a demon, and based on what we’re looking at here, a lot of your miracles were way more traditional and had a bigger impact than crowley’s, which were, uh… sorry, sandalphon, what did you call it?”

“mass-produced.”

“yeah, mass-produced, no craftsmanship, you know? and we… we get it, aziraphale. you were on earth too long. we didn’t give you enough support, we didn’t look after you enough, and that’s on earth - angels aren’t meant to be in a physical body for so long! of course you were tempted, and i mean, this crowley dude? the original tempter. and uh, you know,” and gabriel kinda looks at a picture of him and tilts his head back and forth and is like “well i don’t see it but sandalphon says he’s a looker”

“he is,” sandalphon says sagely as crowley inwardly is like what the fu–

“so like. i don’t know, champ. where do we go from here?”

“from here?” crowley repeats.

“Yeah, aziraphale. what do you want us to do, huh? i mean… you haven’t Fallen, which means that, um, which means that, uh, you know, you haven’t gone too far, but like… we don’t want to see you go too far, you know? but i don’t know if maybe… well, i mean. listen. you’ve been great, okay? you’ve been… you know, these are all mistakes, but there’s been some good stuff in there.”

“R– right…?”

“but we just feel it’s better to kinda. end your relationship with this office.”

“to Fall?”

“no, no, pal, not to Fall, we don’t want you to fall, we’re thinking more… semi-permanent retirement. er, with benefits. just– you know, we want you on our side, when it all goes bad again - and it’s gonna, aziraphale, don’t you worry about that - but right now, we don’t want you in the office, we want to give you some– sandalphon?”

“compassionate leavings.”

“compassionate leavings,” gabriel repeats.

“compassionate leave?” crowley repeats.

“uh, pretty sure sandalphon said it was compassionate leavings. anyway, so… i don’t know, do you want to make a statement, or… or say something?” and crowley is looking across this fucking table of gabriel, uriel, and sandalphon, and uriel has just been silent.

and he’s like, “well, what do you think? uh… on the end? there?”

and uriel is like “i think we should kill you. i got outvoted.”

and crowley is like, “WELL GREAT NO STATEMENTS UH, I’M GONNA… GO… THEN… THANKS…?”

“cool, great. well. bye.”

and then you  have crowley like, to aziraphale, HEY SO HEAVEN UM WHAT THE FUCK

and aziraphale is like “ugh i know right they suck so much” and crowley is like ?????? have you been– have they been like this the whole time???