oh god it begins

“But I don’t want to marry the Rigellian ambassador!”

“I’m sorry, Doctor. We’ve all agreed that you’re the best choice.” Major Kira had a bit of a glint in her eye. I misliked the look of it. It seemed to be taking a bit too much pleasure in the disposition of poor Julian.

“Well, I haven’t had any say in the matter, have I?”

“It was discussed at the staff meeting yesterday. Which you didn’t attend.” Odo rumbled this at me most unpleasantly, and I felt the upper lip begin to curl.

“You know very well I was trapped in holosuite three until—”

“If you had not chosen to play juvenile games, you would not have been trapped in the first place.” This last from Worf. And everything one needs to know about that particular chappie is embodied in his name. Worf, like an eructation from a distended belly after one has feasted on the proverbial fattened c. The man is a perpetual cloud of gloom over any kind of enjoyable proceedings. Often’s the time I’ve attempted to lift his spirits with a bon mot, or genial practical jibe of the sort much enjoyed by self and chums back at the Academy. But is he grateful? Never! The man is impervious to fun. A keen reader will, by this point, have discerned that the gentleman in question and I do not see eye to eye.

“I hardly think that’s fair, and at any rate, you can’t make me marry her.” The arms were folded, the chin raised. “There are laws about that sort of thing.” I rather fancy the voice rang with an authoritative flair, and I nodded once, sharply, to make it clear that the Bashirs did not go in for this sort of behind-the-back skulduggery.

Captain Sisko rubbed his eyes in a fatigued sort of fashion. “Doctor…”

“No, sir. No, thank you, sir.” Not to be rude to one’s C. O., of course, scarcely the path to promote optimal career success, but truly there are limits to the trials one man can be forced to undergo, and I believed he’d understand from tone of voice and steadiness of eye that I was to be pushed no farther.

Well, quel surprise to learn that this was not the case. You may think I should have known better, but I pride myself on my open mind. Often it is said of Julian Bashir that his mind is as open as any fellow’s, if not more. Unfortunately, there are times it is a damned nuisance.

“Is this Julian Bashir talking?”

“It is.”

“Doctor Julian Bashir, open-minded and full of the spirit of adventure?”

I saw what he was angling at straightaway, and moved to head him off at the pass. “Now look here—”

“Doctor Julian Bashir, who when he arrived on this station said to me, ‘Commander, I hope I can be of service to you in any way possible’?”

Well, that was dashed awkward. I did recall saying some such thing. Still, it was hardly fair to take advantage of a man’s youthful enthusiasm at a new posting. One’s liable to say any sort of thing when filled with that sort of joie de vivre. “I say, I—”

“Doctor, I have to say…” And the man looked at me with eyes like dinner plates ladled full of the Replimat’s finest black bean stew, all dark and sort of goopy. “I’m disappointed.”

“Oh, I… I must say…” I wriggled in my seat, feeling decidedly Johnny on the s. “I certainly don’t want to let you down, sir…”

“Julian…” Now it was Dax’s turn, apparently, and she was pulling the same sort of cow-eyed expression the Captain was sporting. “I told Benjamin you’d do this. I told him you’d be delighted. Are you really going to let me down?”

I became increasingly aware of a deep-down sensation of nerves. It was like a sort of twitchy tingling in the pit of the stomach, akin to the feeling one gets after having wrapped oneself around a plate of indifferent gagh.

“Jadzia, I… I can hardly—”

“And it’s not permanent. It’s just for a week. It’s symbolic, Julian,” and the old spotted thing batted her lashes at me in the most frightful way. “Won’t you do it? For me?”

Well, let it never be said that the Bashirs are indifferent to the desires of their friends. Never let a pal down, that is the Bashir motto, even when it lands one most awfully in the soup. Call me a chump if you will, but among chumps I will stand as the chumpiest if it is to serve the needs of those who flock to me in time of need.

“All right. All right, all right.” I placed my head gently in the palm of my hand, supporting it as I drooped slightly. “Now look, what exactly have I got to do?”